Learning to Sleep Again

Deacon Tim Killmeyer on love and life after caregiving

“I’m just learning how to sleep through the night again,” Deacon Tim Killmeyer said quietly.

For decades, nights meant listening for the slightest change in her breathing, waking to suction her airway, dozing with one ear open. The “muscle memory” of caregiving takes time to unwind.

Tim and Chris were engaged for just a month when everything changed on a cold afternoon in January 1980, after Tim picked her up at her house on Mount Washington.

“We were getting on the parkway to go bowling,” he remembered. 

As he looked left to merge, the driver ahead tapped her brakes. Tim bumped her car while driving roughly 5 miles per hour. The minor impact met a hidden weakness in Chris’ neck– a bone that had never solidified but had remained cartilage. She was left quadriplegic, paralyzed below the neck, dependent on a portable ventilator to breathe.

They married that October. Tim chose home care and learned the skills to make it possible.

“People think there’s one script for stories like ours,” Deacon Tim says. “But everybody goes on a different path.”

 Their path included insurance forms and hospital rooms, home nurses’ schedules and quiet prayers, all woven through a life of love. Deacon Tim is the first to say they were blessed.

“Our no-fault auto policy paid for everything. That coverage is not offered today in the same way,” he said. “We had help; we had nurses. But even with help, I still didn’t sleep. If Chris needed suctioning, I was up. It’s the kind of responsibility you carry with you.”

Before the accident, Tim’s faith had drifted. He grew up Catholic and attended Catholic schools. But as a young chef he “kept restaurant hours around good people who didn’t go to church,” he said.

After the injury, he longed for spiritual guidance. He called the closest parish, Holy Trinity in Robinson. Father Andy Fischer, then newly ordained, came to the house. “I went to confession for the first time in years,” Deacon Tim said. “Then I started going back to church.”

He was on fire for his faith, volunteering with RCIA (now OCIA—Order of Christian Initiation of Adults), where he sponsored people seeking to become Catholic. He helped with youth ministry and read at Mass.

An employer’s tuition program allowed him to begin theology studies at Duquesne University. “It opened something in me,” he said.

Six months after graduation, Father Ed Kryston asked Tim if had ever considered becoming a deacon. “I went to learn more, and they accepted me. God’s timing,” Deacon Tim said.

Serving as a deacon, which included diocesan ministry among persons with disabilities, strengthened Tim’s belief that God does not cause suffering – but never wastes it.

“There is evil in the world,” he said. “God didn’t cause our accident. But God brings good out of the worst things when we invite Him.”

His prayer became, “‘If there’s any way I can take care of her and be with her, let it happen.’ He made it happen.”

Caregiving, Deacon Tim learned, is a mix of logistics and love. He relied on community and faith. Later training as a spiritual director taught him valuable lessons.

“Find the moments of gratitude,” he said. “The smallest things. Your car starts. The air conditioning kicks on. A minute of peace in a busy afternoon. Thank God for them. The more you name gratitude, the more it fills you.”

Chris died in September 2023.

“I’m still getting the house and the finances settled,” Deacon Tim said. “I sit on the porch. I watch hummingbirds and deer. I have a picture of Chris here. She’s with me. And I thank God.”

He smiles when he talks about rest—how unfamiliar it feels, yet how necessary. He sometimes takes a tent to go camping and ride his bicycle on a trail, then comes home to read and sleep.

“More and more,” he said, “simple quiet is enough. I’m wondering where the Lord is leading me now. It feels like He’s guiding me to rest.”

For all caregivers, he offers honesty and hope.

“You’re not alone,” he said. “There are people with you, and God is in it with you. You can practice the small habits that open your heart to grace. Start with one good thing. Tonight, before you sleep, think of one good thing, and thank God for it.”

He paused. “Me? I’m learning to sleep again. And I’m grateful.”

Tim and Chris

Caregiving in 2025: Quick Facts

November is National Family Caregivers Month.

• About 63 million Americans are family caregivers in 2025, up from 53 million in 2020 (AARP 2025)

• Nearly 1 in 4 caregivers provide 40+ hours/week; about one-third have been caregiving 5+ years (AARP 2025).

• The unpaid value of family care was estimated at $600 billion in 2021 (AARP).

• Caregivers report worse health on 13 of 19 indicators, including lifetime depression 25.6% vs 18.6% for non-caregivers (CDC 2024).

• Roughly 1 in 4 U.S. adults (28.7%) lives with a disability, which provides limited context for the growing number of family caregivers. (CDC 2025).

Need support? Ask your parish about caregiver support ministries or contact the diocesan Communications Office at (412) 456-3121 for local resources and connections.